Alright, this is my first book out.. suppose to feel very happy..

but tt's not the case..

On friday, i went home and ate my dinner, met up with som frens and have supper..
Sat.. went out with joyce the whole day.. suddenly, i feel she's really bored by the things i do.. though she gets to watch her high school musical.. but rest of the day was like nothing fascinating.

i ask her about whether should i go ocs or not.. she says if i can of coz go.. i was thinking to myself.. if i go, it just means the i need to let go of loving u... on the way sending her back.. we din talk..
she bakes me a cake.. but it just means frens to her.. nothing more..
i msg her today.. asking abt everything.. and eventually, she still sticks to wad she say.. all she can say is sorry.. all she can say is frens.. i am saying goodbye to her.. but is it that easy to forget.. i dun tink so..
she's sorry for giving me false hopes.. but i dun blame her.. i blame myself for loving her.. i blame myself for thinking there's opportunity.. i blame myself for beliving the impossible..

i am feeling very depressed right now.. the thought of going to book in tml.. the thought of 'no more joyce' now i won't look forward to admin time in camp anymore..i won't be calling her anymore.. no more motivation at all.. she's like my motivation throughout my confinement.. but now.. i m left with nothing.. my heart juz sinks, though i know it will come sooner or later.. but why miracle won't happen..

well.. seems like going ocs is the choice.. i am not allowed to post anything abt army.. so , yea.. but truely, i am not enjoying myself in there.

joyce.. i seriously love u.. i put all my heart to care , to love u.. even if u dun appreciate it.. but do u know that my feelings, emotion has been swinging up and down for nothing.. one moment i am feeling happy becoz u care for me.. another moment u just neglect me.. i am jus another guy to u.. nothing much.. v lil u thought abt how i would feel..

i miss u .. right at this moment.. but nothing can be done.. i need to forget u .. but tt's like climbing over mountains in the winter.. i just don't like my life .. not at all.. the way it is going, it seems pointless.. without u, life's like a sky without stars..

pls.. dun let me have sleepless nights..

missing u

alright guys.. i am booking in .. leaving the house now..

all of u take good care k ..

gonna miss all of u .. =)

this going be my last post.. for at least 2 weeks..
yes.. i am going in army tml.. nothing that i can do to change the fact..

glad to meet up my best frens..
darwin, wen hao, alan, wei siong, jin hong
my sisters
kai xin, steph, xin yi, steph, min feng, chun hui

yea.. thanks for coming.. thanks for all of ur companion.. i appreaciate it..

well.. she found out that i like her.. she suddenly sms me and ask me whether do i like her or not.
i told her yes..
she den tell me that she doesn't wan to step into another relationship rite now.. plus she was afraid that it will end up and gary and her..

whatever she says. i expected it.. i dun expected her to be with me.. if she does, it just shows that she is taking me as a subsititute perherps. i glad she din..
however, she lets me to continue loving her.. juz like what i have been doing.. i am glad things is going this way .. at least she din juz end my feeling.. she just dun wanna give me false hopes..

i mean.. nobody is going to know what's going to happen in future.. mayb we will still remain like what we are now, or being rejected by her.. or mayb being together.. nobody knows... but at least i still have the right to love her, be there for her.. care for her as always.. i am still hopeful of being with her.. but it doesn't matter what's the ending going to be like.. i am going to juz enjoy the process.. the companionship.. the care and concern i get from her.. the way of me loving her.. making her smile.. being there for her when she needs..

i saw this phrase from a email.. i was tinking abt it and yea.. it's quite true..

能選擇要不要喜歡上一個人或愛上一個人嗎？喜歡上了，愛上了，就是了。


few more hours and i am going to book in.. i am not afraid of going in. so as it is then..

though u can't see this but yea

joyce,

thanks for settlting my heart before i goes in army.. at least i won't be thinking too much i guess..
thanks for being there... thanks for the concern u shown me.. thanks for the time we had.. and finally , thanks for letting me loving u ..
i just wan that smile on ur face, i want u to be happy, even if it is without me.. u derserve to be happy.. since i have fall in love with u , it's out of my own accord to care for u .. make u happy.. hopefully i am doing it.
really just wan u to take care and stay happy as always..

off to tekong!

Oh gosh.. just one day left.. lol .. why am i counting down.. nvm .. last day to countdown..

anyway.. yea.. so glad that i spend today with her..

she came to my hse and it was raining heavily.. she wanted to watch big stan so i stream and let her watch lor.. though i watch b4 but quite enjoyable watching with her.. come to think of it i have nv watch movie with her b4..

but it's ok.. gave her the present.. her fav baileys.. she was like so happy la.. deep inside me i was happy to see her so happy.. having that sweet smile on her face.. after that went to town .. orchard.. went to cineleisure.. wanted to buy her a tigger.. but she dun wan.. so i have no choice.. we walk ard talking nonsense .. chit chatting.. mostly abt her fren being crazy .. getting drunk all this.. lol .. den we end up at coffee club.. she was like.. oh man .. it's like so high class or sth.. haha..

hmm .. now i know she likes dory fish and mushroom soup..get to chat with her a lot today .. eat mudpie.. haha.. i like the mudpie.. but i was not really sure how she finds it.. after that.. we decided to go arab street for shesha? haha.. we went to a place.. hmm .. very cozy, dim lighting and so peaceful.. i juz lie beside her.. locking my eyes on her whenever i can .. felt so blessed beside her.. yea.. though she dun realise but it's really like so good to be juz lying beside her.. slping on her shoulder.. yea. we tasted the mango at first..was nothing much .. but after that, we meet up with ws, jon , weiwen and siong gf.. went to shesha again .. haha.. this time we tried the grapemint.. not bad.. better than the previous.. lol ..

hopefully she enjoyed herself.. i enjoyed myself with her.. her companion makes me feel so great.. it's like i always want to be with her the whole day .. finally did it before my army.. though she's unaware of anything but seriously.. i am so so glad spending today with her.. though is short but sweet enough for me to dull the whole of the night thinking abt it.. how i wish she could be mine.. but that sounds impossible.. shud i tell her.. i really dunno .. she's still care so much for gary.. she told me she can't let go gary .. i was like.. hmm .. yea..

sent her home.. in the cab.. i tink she mention something like sworn sister or something.. urgh.. shit.. that's wad i dun wan to hear.. i dunno she means it or wad.. i juz pretend i nv hear.. seriously, its like a bullet str to ur heart.. but i kept my feelings away from my face.. still wanna love her and care for her .. while i still can ...

2 Days to tekong

Who free on thursday? wanna go chalet? at tekong.. free food, lots of activities.. big chalet! sea view.. lol ..anyone interested pls call me.. lol ..

Yea.. she finally finish her exams.. happy for her.. den she went out with gary.. thought that they will talk things out.. so i din msg her. till around 10 plus.. she msg me saying that she is drinking at her fren hse. oh man.. she told me the date with gary din turn out so well .. i was wondering.. she told me she cried.. hais..

den i suggested driving her home.. so i went to pick her up at lakepoint condo.. she came down.. abit crazy .. den she told me that gary told her that. if she finds someone better , just go ahead.. i was thinking.. isn't this wad i said to bel.. oh gosh... i was also thinkng.. yea.. i am better.. lol .. come come.. but .. am i really better.. i am not sure.. so i drove her to spc to buy some water for her to freshen her up .. she ask me.. am i being very mean to you.. i was thking... in some way yes.. in some way .. not at all..

the things i've done for her is all on my accord.. she never force me to do it.. so she's not being mean to me..
but she's mean to me by keep telling me abt gary gary gary.. how are they .. wad happen to them .. din she realise that she hurts me by saying all those stuff.. i don't blame her.. coz she's unaware of it.. how i wish i can really take care of her.. i wan to love her openly.. telling her in the face i love her.. but i can't. i know in her heart is only abt him him and him .. there's no place for me at all .. yea. indeed .. i felt hurt.. u r such a meanie..

drove her home den i went back.. but decided to look for oreo .. went to bel hse.. play with oreo... getting naughtier each day.. then bel started to cry again .. hais.. i really think is my fault in causing all this unhappiness.. why the person u love doesn't even give a place to u while the person u wan to forget put u on the first place.. love is so complicated..

joyce.. i wanna tell u so much that i love u .. i love ur companion.. i love ur crazyness.. i love to take care of u .. but i have no chance at all.. i am going in army.. worse than any situaiton.. after i go in .. i lost the right to take care of u .. lost the right to be there for u .. lost the right to contact u thru out the day .. all i can do is spend a few mins to sms u .. in a day..

some of my frens said, what if u get her.. can u take care of her.. make her happy , while u were in army.. i was thinking.. yea.. not much difference with gary.. however, i am different.. at least whenever i have the chance to talk to u , sms u , or even find u .. i will.. i want you to feel loved.. not neglected.. but that's a selfish thought.. i tink u suffered enough.. that's why i can't force myself to tell u how i feel .. it's always right at the tip of my mouth but i know u don't deserve anymore unhappiness and problems..

TAGS
chunhui: i go army den u have to listen to the same old song everytime until i book out! lol

Woah.. 3 days left.. feel so crap now..

well.. what will happen will happen eventually.. so might as well faster go in army and get over and done with.. hmm.. yea.. going this thursday.. nobody sendin me i guess.. it's alright..

dad scolded me for being so late out at night.. i mean.. let me enjoy my last few days can.. stop scolding me and understand the sake of enjoying.. lol..

i really dunno wad's she thinking.. just wanna her to be happy.. even if she goes back to him .. as long as shes happy and not the way she is now den is alright.. ok .. u are meeting gary tml... make sure both of u have a lovely date k.. hopefully both of u can talk things out and come back together. since both of u love each other so much .. nothing shud be more impt than each other.

hopefully gary learn the needs of having her.. stop neglecting her.. treat her like the most impt person in ur life.. not ur frens, not ur buddies.. but her.. dun let her into this kind of situation again .. u r the only one she loves.. that's why u shud take responsibility of her happiness.. not me.. if i can i will but her heart is with u ! say so much u also cannot read from my blog. lol .. hopefully gary gets to see this.. argh!

gonna get shave botak for the 1st time in my life.. well not for the first time.. baby also botak.. lol .. but now.. eeeww.. how would i look like.. another army guy .. yes.. i am going to hell this thursday.. go there yes sir no sir.. lol .. be a dumb person and get out.. 2 weeks .. i wouldn't mind 2 weeks of chalet.. but.. yea.. luckily i pass my napfa.. if not another 2 months to my 1 year 10 month of army.. aiming for OCS i guess.. since i have no commitment .. no gf.. no contract .. no nothing.. so yup..

TAGS
kx.. u better dun anyhow sms hor
zg.. if i bring out sar 21 i will come and see u ..
chunhui.. are the songs nice? lol .. u come here listen songs not read my post ar..@!#$%^&

They have broken up.. i thought they will still continue coz i know joyce still loves him a lot..
but gary gives her no choice.. how do u wan joyce to wait for u 2 and a half years and feel neglected.

i dun tink i wanna post much abt them anymore..
i have just 4 days left.. juz 4 days before i my life start into another phase..
i juz know the only thing i cannot put behind is her..
but there's no point thinking anymore coz surely her heart is still with him.
i dun wanna drag myself into this thing anymore..
i am feeling hurt.. i have emo enuff.. i dun wanna think anymore..
i just wan to get in army and get over and done with..

5 days left.. seriously lil time remaining..

found out that she loves her bf a lot.. and her bf is suggesting for becoming frens.. i really do not know what to do.. it's never abt me .. i shouldn't have care..

but i cares for her.. i wan her to be happy.. that's why i give her the advice i tink is right.. not to regret abt the decision shes going to make.. she said she will call me .. but never did, mayb she have sort out her feelings..

if she and her bf is back to normal.. i wish them a happy and long lasting relationship.. that's the only ting i can do.. not even thinking abt telling her my feelings as she is really not in the right situation to know..

To Gary: YOU BETTER TREAT HER NICELY!

well.. i have put myself into this hole.. for nothing.. so no point blaming anyone but myself.. i should never have try.. but since it has already happen.. i will try to put it behind me.. but i dun tink i can forget her juz like tis.. 1st week of army is going to be hell..

why.? coz alan has confirm with me that i am in Cougar. the most high demanding company in School 1 BMT. plus, i will still miss her, tink abt her everyday everynight.. how shit can it be to start my army life..

but yea, i know i can take it.. face it as i always do.. but it's juz so hurtful.. why i put myself into this position for nothing. all along u treat me as a fren .. someone who helps u and support u thru the hard times.. but never the one u will want as ur partner.. i know i am dumb.. to have fall in love with you

i could have play as a bad guy.. breaking u and him up.. but that's not me.. i always believe that is not just abt what i wanna get.. i really rather i end up being the one hurt than making u hurt.. since u love him so much .. i'll really pray for both of u.. coz i wan u to smile .. always..

i want to cry, but tears juz can't roll out.. my chest is feeling the tightness.. i have hope for nothing much .. but why is it still so painful.. why am i feeling so shit.. is it becoz i really fall in love with u so much.. or is it jus me being stupid.. i really dunno..

but whateva it is.. this is the outcome.. i tried so hard to make sure u stay happy, with support.. but u never notice that i have feelings for u .. that's why i am suffering.. but even if u know.. i know i wouldn't stand a single chance..

all the best for u and gary.. hopefully both of u have settled it out and love each other like before.. and for me.. nvm .. it's never abt me..

less than a week left.. i still have not make up my decision whether wad to do .. how i wish she could just read it from my blog.. den i wouldn't need to tink that much..

well ..
current situation is..

i have less than a week left before i go in army..
she is still having her exams till monday
she has gary ..
but i wan to know whether she have feelings for me...
i am really not sure wad to do..
if i ask too late den in the end i will suffer in army..
if i ask today den i am afraid i will make the wrong choice..
i really dunno wad to do..

i love her companion.. love sms-ing her.. love being loved and cared by her..
do i just need another person juz becoz i am single ..
i dun tink so.. if i just need someone, i could have bel.. or xm..
but i wan joyce..

2nd thing.. if she accepted me, how am i able going to give her happiness..
i am being unfair to her as i am in army.. she would not get the attention she wans..
plus, she still have gary in her heart.. mayb i am just a replacement for her.. i really dunno..
but whatever it is.. i dun expect the ending to be good.. no matter what, i will not be abe to enjoy my 2 weeks of confinement in army.. coz i know.. i will be missing her.. if she reject me, i will be heartbroken inside my camp.. so hell it is..

i really wans to know whether she have feeling for me.
or issit she just likes me as a friend..
or she likes me but never intend to be with me..
or she is just using me to make gary jealous..

when am i going to ask her.. i dunno either.. i wish i could get the answer faster.. but she's having exams.. i dun wan to be selfish and make her think abt it while she is stress with her exams..
but if i ask too late.. , no matter what she say won't be fruitful..

so i guess it's over.. i tink i'll just start be prepared for the worst..
she have rejected me before anyway.. so one more doesn't make any difference..
how i wish i can tink that way.. but i really do love her and wants to take care of her..

TAGs
hi xiu... =)
kaixin... don't be funny ar..

Woke up at 10 today den meet joyce!!

brought her to vivo den to labodor park and we sit down and have mac together.. hees.. sweet rite.. sitting by the sea breeze .. playing with bubbles.. walking abt.. talking to each othe.r. awww.. i love that feeling.. i teached her how to fix rubik cube.. lol.. though she have master yet.. haha

Anyway.. yea.. got drunk today... drink quite a lot.. den anyhow msg her.. but it's truely from my heart..not exactly anyhow la.. but just telling her how much i value her.. yup.. she din react negatively.. tat's a good sign? haha.. but my time is running out..

7 days left.. one week exactly.. hais.. pls someone stop the time..

i miss her badly.. so bad..

oh ya.. me and sw pee into the canal.. lol.. i win.. i shoot further.. =x

yea.. she cares for me.. and i love the feeling.. shud i just be contented for what i have now.. or shud i really make her mine.. i really dunno..

u guys nv read my blog rite! !@#$%^&* .. dun post den u all know.. ARGH!

8 MORE DAYS GUYS..

lol.. i keep counting down.. hais.. wad to do.. this army thinng is always at my back my mind..

Today started very badly.. recieve a msg ..

"WAYNE! I MISS GARY BUT I HAVE TO WAIT TO MONDAY TO SEE HIM" in caps.

wad the hell.. the moment i see this.. i am out of my bed.. no mood to do anything anymore..
sit on the sofa and stare into the tv.. which is a show that i never watch.. i am stoning away..

play some dota with jem , soon they all.. den went for bball.. darwin suddenly cannot make it den left me jem and gs.. lol.. so lil ppl play bbal.. after that sw and darwin join us at je.. not forgetting kx and dy .. lol..

i hurt my leg while i was playing bball.. land on someone's leg..
i told joyce abt it and guess wad..
she cares for me! lol.. was quite happy when i recieve the msg..
'Aiyo, poor thing' was the first msg
'den you don't play alrdy la. go home rest k?' 2nd msg

den when i tell her that i was limping..
she sent me this.
'aiyo , sayang, ask ur fren to carry u la'

haha.. super happy to see all this msg.
den it was raining.. den i told her not to get drench
and she said
'you better dont drench too k..'
den i say i am already drench
she says
'lol.. you better don't get sick ar.. still got air con place..'

i can say this is the first time she show so much concern for me.. lol.. but yea..
maybb just for her fren.. that's all.. but better than nothing ba. hees..

ok guys.. left 8 days of blogging.. u guys got read not.. never tag i dun post for the next 8 days le..lol
nites

Yu Zheng Way, Wayne aka Eebah Eebah
Age: 20
Single
Going to Army!