.Wednesday, July 19, 2006 ' 1:22 AM Y
pon...and...zi
juz 2 more days to the chalet.. 3 more days to my 18th birthday.. yet everything seems out of place.. my mentally and emotionally is not ready for this occasion.. why? i was v excited abt it last week .. but when the days drew closer.. it seems that things are not pretty going too well.. why i said that, simply be'coz the of the happenings for the past few days.Shatec classmate if u read this entry , i am sorry , let me emo for once k .. lol .. rarely i will write emo things till this cham de... hmm.. 18th suppose to be a signal of another step of life u are going to take.. but i somehow or rather is reluctant to take tt step .. though i am able to be expose to the adult enviroment already , but it juz seems that i have lots of things have not accomplished.. and worst thing is that for the past few days.. the failures keep repeating itself, telling me i have not succeed.. wtf.. am i really going to give up what i always try to arhcieve.. i no longer seems capable.. i seems so different from the past.. from a zw with pride.. to a zw with no confidence.. no guts.. no charm .. no nothing... shud i be happy abt the change? being mature? or juz true failure.. i have tried to ask myself. but when things tt happen ard me keep suppressing my confidence.. i have nowhere to go except avioding and avoiding.. kaoz.. feel so gal now.. i am a boy ... soon a man! but why i am so weak ... i may be strong on the outside.. playing ard with frens.. taking bird language with all of u .... laughin all the while, do well in studies.. do well in sports... but when failure hit me... deep down inside me is this feeling of shame, feeling of not being victorious.. i am really hurt for the past one year... who ever and what ever had hurt me.. it juz gels altogether and become thorns.. a thorns of a rose.. beautiful on the appearance.. but when provoke.. it so pain tt i sometimes want to cry.. but i din .. coz i know no matter what i do .. things had happen .. mayb is juz tt i dunno how to let go .. let go? i dun understand what's let go ... i know the word forget but not let go.. when u forget something, it juz means that u try to keep it out of ur mind... letting go is u want it to be out of ur mind forver.. but the forever is i can't let go of anything.. anything abt my past, when talk abt it.. i feel shame , i feel hurt , i feel depressed .. i feel guilty.. those happy and fame parts of my past is what i really have let go .. i feel aimless now.. coz whatever i aim , it's like out of reach .. why ? Why.. ppl wan to provoke me when i din even care abt the matter anymore, why must the matter be raise again , u wan to win me? go ahead and win .. i am no longer a zw with fighting spirit.. i am juz a zw with a brave front.. trying to act like the past.. if u ask me abt the present, let me tell u tt i dunno what i am .. my life now is like a remote control.. doing things under situation and circumstances.. and not the drive that is inside me.. haiz.. talk so much .. still feel so stuffy inside.. i am going to wash my hands off them .. it's not a good thing to get involve.. ppl juz dun trust me enuff .. ppl feel that i am a person with no integrity. a person whom cannot be trusted.. a person juz a fren... talk to when needed i guess... no matter the effort put in , ppl put thier impression on what they tink or hear and not what u do.. they tink u are juz acting? let's juz face it, all of u have brought me fun and laughter, sadness and tears .. i wan to stop it rite here.. sorri .. mayb my thinking was wrong, but tt shows how lousy understandind skills i have..~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~alright, =D .. emo finsih le.. i guess.. this friday gonna be a jovious occasion for me and my frens.. u guys better have fun or i will not have fun either... =) ... -YzW- childish for the last few days..
